Miami Dolphins Find a QB That Is Even Whiter Than Chad Pennington

Budweisers "Cold as the Rockies" Slogan Not So Funny After Colorado Rockies Break Hot Streak During Playoffs

Twitter Customers Ask Chad Ochocinco To " Please Stop"

Nationals win game and ask for playoff bid

Wade Philips, also known as the human marshmallow, is denied access to opening and closing the roof by Jerry Jones

Girl Scouts Hold Bake Sale For Diabetes

Tim Tebow gets the win knocked out of him

After getting the shit knocked out of him, it appears Tebow will be okay to go next Saturday against LSU. The only thing that seems to be wrong with the Heisman Trophy winner it his sheer lack of will to reign victorious. The man who used to resemble a young Beowulf no longer seems to care about victory. "I just really couldn't care less, I want my 2nd Heisman and a 30 million dollar deal with an NFL franchise."

Red Sox Organization Discovers Mike Lowell is 68 Years Old

Lazy Ass Journalist Decides Only to Write Headlines

Production Studios Say Writers Staged Strike To Cover Up World Wide Writers Block Pandemic

Easy Mac customers complain, it's just too easy. It can't be real

Police officer has a ticket giving field day upon entering the datona track.

Kanye West Claims 'I Did Not Know of Taylor Swift's Existence Until I Was Watching the View Last Week'

Dog Is Prime Suspect In Murder Suicide

Eagle's Rookie Running Back Refuses To Play Unless Giving the Number 5 Jersey

Trent Edwards wishes Owens would remind him to throw Owens the ball

Man Eats Just One Lays Potato Chip

Federer Hits Several Balls Out of Arthur Ashe Stadium

In the finals of the US Open tonight, Federer hit 3 of del Potro's 115 MPH serves out of the 22,547 seat stadium. Federer had been struggling with the serve all night and in an interview admitted that he decided to just turn the US Open stage into a "home-run derby." Federer's idea came from two different ideas combined into one. "Whenever I got bored in tennis growing up, I used to just try to hit the ball over the fence 20 foot fence, why not the 12,000 feet that Arthur Ashe is? My other inspiration came from Shaq vs., my new favorite show. When I was out there in front of all those fans, being embarrassed by a twenty year-old, I decided that maybe I should try to hit it out of the stadium." Serena Williams reportedly was hit by one of the balls as she was crying on one of the outer courts, played it off one bounce, hit it 30 feet to her left, and claimed that it actually landed in the back left of the court inside of Arthur Ashe.

Disappointed Freshman Refuses to Play in Rain

13 Yr. old Michael Cummings, of Springfield, Alabama, refused to participate in yesterdays practice due to rain. He said his core temperature would drop too low, and he would die of hypothermia. His coach commented on the subject. "He is a tough kid, he just needs a ballsack." Said 44 year old Eli Mokus. Cummings is expected to quit the football team within the next week if this weather continues.

Obama to put White House on market

Due to the current recession, the Obama's have decided to move to a cheaper, off white colored house in Southern Pennsylvania. The White House is currently on the market with an asking price of 118.2 million dollars. The house's listing reads "On an 18 acre plot of land in downtown DC, this 16 bedroom, 35 bathroom house is all anyone could ask for."

Earlier this morning President Barack Obama met with real estate agent Jean Thompson about the sale of the historic building. Jean told reporters that "Mr. President wanted to hold onto the house and wait for the government and real-estate market to stabilize. The main problem was house tours were simply not bringing in what they used to since Barney, George Bush's dog, stopped giving the tour."

Mr. Obama is now being questioned by the press as to the possibility of him perhaps running for president just to gain control of the White House, only to sell it. At the time of publishing, Sarah Palin put in a bid at 118 million, attempting to low ball the Obama's with the money she made from selling John McCain to Russia.

Favre 'may not' be up for all 16 Vikings games

ESPN is reporting that Brett Favre may not have the energy to play in all 16 games this season. Not only is he outright guaranteeing that the Vikings will not make the playoffs but he is yet again second guessing the un-undoing of his retirement. Brett told Rachel Nichols today that waking up every sunday to play football is not how he would like to spend his entire fall and winter. "Somedays I wake up and just want to fish with the boys and maybe go shooting some flying shit," said Favre. When asked if he was serious with that previous statement, the 39 year old reportedly declared his retirement. Since then he has signed with the Houston Texans, Oakland Raiders, and the CFL's Calgary Stampeders; all of which he no longer remains under contract with. When asked for a comment late wednesday night he was reportedly on the other line with the New York Islanders Hockey Franchise and had to go.

ANTARCTIC EXPEDITION YIELDS SURPRISING RESULTS

Results from a recent Swedish expedition to the South Pole revealed that every other week in the Antarctic, Thursday occurs twice. Scientists are baffled by this phenomenon. Depending on how long this has been happening; Antarctica could technically still be in the 1800’s. Research scientist Yohann Grudbergeron says “It is really quite fascinating, I can remember going to bed Thursday night, and waking up on Thursday again the next morning. Having checked my watch and double checked the calendar I couldn’t believe my eyes.” NBC is already in talks to set up a studio there, so they can air “The Today Show” up to 8 times a week. Protests are expected to be strong.

Alex Trebech Eaten By Shark

Last Thursday, while vacationing in Belize, Alex Trebech, host of Jeopardy, decided to go swimming. He saw a shiny object and could not resist diving down. A witness, Rob Smith, a diving instructor at the resort Trebech was staying at, reported on the subject. "I saw him dive down, then i saw a fin in the water. As soon as i saw the fin, i swam away. I heard screams and saw red water. I assumed he had been eaten."

Boy Tells Mom Party Was Fun When it Really Just Sucked

Area boy Alex Posner attended a party this sunday night and found it quite boring. "It was just the usual you know, girls dancing in ridiculous ways while awkward boys stand around and watch. Few drunk guys actually started to dance" After the party his mother asked the same question she has never failed to ask after Alex goes out, "How was it?" The Area boy had tried out multiple responses, but had been struggling to find one that would result in the least amount of conversation. Previous responses such as "bad" or "uneventful" gave an opportunity for follow up questions like, "Oh thats too bad, why?" Finally Alex came to the realization that if he just quietly mumbled "fun" he would be left alone. The following afternoon, after school on the way home, his mother asked him what he had for lunch for the 398th time in his life. He proceeded to just mumble something unrecognizable and turned up the radio.

UNC Tarheels Fan Doesn't Make it Through the Night

"I lost 36 lbs in 3 days following this one rule" read the advertisement spotted by 21 year-old Jim Bruce. After clicking the link he was asked to fill out several surveys which took around 35 minutes to complete. Following the 35 minutes of expressing his opinion on the what he looks for in a microwave, he began to grow impatient. Luckily, he was "ALMOST THERE!" He wasn't even close. The site forced him to sign up for a 4 week trial of DirectTV and to receive samples of Your Pretty Cosmetics. When asked to fill out another survey in order to receive weight loss information, Jim threw his laptop out his three story dorm window and promptly followed it on the way down.

4 Year Old Draws Home-run Line at Citi Field

Mets' owner Fred Wilpon went into the Citi Field project with a 900 million dollar budget. After spending the first 800 million on a really cool sign Pepsi-Cola sign, cut backs had to be made. Wilpon decided that it would be much cheaper if he asked his childhood friend if his son could figure out the dimensions of the stadium. The jagged fence would really not be that noticeable except for the fact that towards right field the fence appears to just jolt inward and outward where ever the 4 year old pleased. When asked if he would edit the boy's drawing, Wilpon responded with, "Where the fuck is my Dominos, its been at least 35 minutes"

Man in Minnesota Claims to Care About NBA Game. Evaluations Still in Progress

George Johnson of Minneapolis, Minnesota claims to have watched an entire basketball game, and enjoyed it. The game between the Minnesota Timberwolves and Boston Celtics resulted in a final score of 101-89 as the Timberwolves lost their 4th game in a row. George, claiming to be a true fan, has been following the team and is an active reader on the team's website. The NBA Commissioner David Stern thinks it's a true sign of the league finally getting back on their feet while doctor Albert Bandura had other ideas. "We believe that this man is in some form of a critical state. I have tested him for several different drugs but everything has come back negative" Dr. Bandura said he would keep George under 48-hour suicide watch.

Area Boy Attends Jonas Concert To Gain Girl's Affection

An area boy attended a Jonas Brothers concert today for no other reason than to gain the affection of area girl Jane Gallagher. He slowly began to realize before the concert that he had absolutely not motivation to attend the concert other than for Jane. Jane, the girl the area boy was "working on," asked if he was enjoying the Jonas concert. After responding "Of course I do" the area boy left to go to the bathroom for a brief moment.

The boy was found minutes later shaking on the ground saying, "make them stop, please make them stop"

NFL Scandal: Head Coach Revealed As Testicle

A leak in the New York Giants organization revealed to the media earlier this week that Head Coach Tom Coughlin is in fact a large testicle. Giants' owner John Mara was quoted as saying "This is not a big shock to the Giants organization, as we have known for some time about Tom's condition...We had internal discussions a few months ago and concluded that we are quite content with a testicle as our head coach. Tom's won a Super Bowl for us and we are confident he can do it again." Mara also added that the team will "help (Coughlin) with handling the media frenzy."

None of Coughlin's assistant coaches could be reached for comment, although it was overheard that Defensive Coordinator Bill Sheridan asked Coughlin whether it was "true that (Coughlin) produces millions of sperm per day." Coughlin could be seen with a disgusted look on his face.

Questions are sure to arise as to the legitimacy of the Giants Super Bowl XLII victory and all other victories while Coughlin was head coach. The NFL will surely investigate whether it is within the rules for a testicle to coach a team. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell commented that he was "upset that the Giants kept this from the league office." Goodell also commented that he had always been under the assumption that Coughlin was a "big dick and not a testicle."

Lesotho Realizing They're Totally Surrounded By South Africa

After receiving their first ever map from the United Nation's tuesday, the small nation of Lesotho could not help but notice that they were completely bordered by South Africa. The map was first thought of as a practical joke, but once people started asking around, no one could name a neighboring country other than South Africa. Prime Minister Pakalitha Bethuel Mosisili commented briefly on the matter saying "We probably should have realized it sooner. It's not that big of a deal, but to be honest i feel like if they tried to attack us, we'd be pretty fucked."

Black Eyed Peas Find The Love

Fergie and Taboo of the Black Eyed Peas, after 6 years of searching, reported to have located the love somewhere north of the Himalayan Mountains. Justin Timberlake had been leading the pop superstars on a trek across the tundra. Fan Jake McCollins had been following the trek on his bicycle and updating his blog on the way. "There were points where, due to many people running around without their 'Momma's,' I felt like the love would never be found." he said on his blog this morning. "but after more than 2,000 days of searching, they appear to have found it."
When asked what their plans are for the love, Fergie replied with, "I will probably put it on my mantle, perhaps in my bedroom."
Taboo said, "I plan to throw it at George Bush."